Je suis frustre
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Je suis frustrate
Y’all I’m frustrated…
I am frustrated. There is no other way to say it. I’m truly 100% frustrated. To be honest, I’m not sure which way to go. What to do. I feel like I’m just out here. I can’t really describe it. Do you ever feel like you’re doing everything you feel is correct and nothing seems to be going right? That's where I am currently. It feels like I’m making the wrong decisions. It feels like I’m doing nothing right. I’m not sure if I’m even on the right track.
At times like this, I try not to sink into the feeling. The feelings feel as if they will swallow you alive. It is something that feels difficult to shake or get out of. I wanted to share these feelings mostly because writing is one of my outlets. Also I wanted to continue to be transparent. I wanted to share because I know that others struggle with this as well. There are times when life just seems to hit you hard and I feel like it's been hitting me super hard lately. One of the things that I hate about some influencers, bloggers, etc is not being honest with how they are feeling.
As a Christian woman, it seems that I am supposed to have it all together all the time. Because I am a minister, I’m really supposed to have it all together. But that just isn't me. Mostly because I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life (that’s going to be a separate post). Having dealt and sometimes still dealing with it, I’ve been trying to be intentional about my feelings. I’m trying to speak my feelings out loud and not allow them to have control over me. To me speaking my feelings out loud gives me power over them because I can name. Naming them allows me to have dominion over them.
So in times like this, I know I need to draw closer to God. I just feel it in the very center of myself. The frustration is because I’m trying to do something on my own instead of including God in it. I’m very independent and I do most things on my own. Being in this season with God, I’m coming to terms that I’m not supposed to be doing these things on my own. Mostly because I’m not in control of the next steps. With that being said, here are some of the things that I plan to do to ease my frustration.
Continue to acknowledge my frustration- I am a firm believer that we have to lean into our feelings. I don’t mean to allow the feelings to overtake me.I lean in to try to understand the root cause of why I’m feeling this.
2. Be very intentional about my time with God-I am not an early riser. I really hate it alot. David wrote in Psalms 63:1 :
“O God, You are my God; I earnestly search for you. My soul thirsts for you;...”
So I try to quiet myself. I seek God throughout my entire day from the beginning to the end. My relationship with God is very open so I talk to him like I would my friend. Because at the end of the day He DESIRES RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. Its simple. God wants me to talk to him so I do. I think we often think that God wants us to go into long drawn out prayers. That isn’t the case at all. He just wants us to be us. I also tend to listen to all worship music and play it in my office to just set the atmosphere. I want it to be clear that God has clearance to move, speak, and do whatever else is necessary.
3. I try to limit my time on social media. - I think this part is very important. For myself, I know that I can go down a rabbit hole with social media. I also know that it is very important to center myself. My entire goal is to seek God and I know that I cannot do that if I’m in the social media rabbit hole.
As I seek God, I encourage you all to do the same. I encourage you to use these steps and add whatever else you feel is necessary.
Love, Life, and Jesus
Evelyn Denise
