Uneasy Head

Uneasy Head

Unless lies the head that wears the crown

I have been having a rough time at my current job. I have been with the company for almost two years. We recently hired a new CFO who is a woman of color as well as I am. (She is Indian) So I’ve been trying to continue to do well within my current position. Prior to her coming, I was given enormous amounts of praise for the speed and efficiency that completed tasks. However since she has been here it feels as if I can’t do anything correctly. Most of 2021 has been a real struggle. So I created an incident report of my experiences with her. I included excerpts from emails. I spoke nothing but the truth. I went in with Human Resources after feeling overwhelming anxiety most of the day. Before I went in I thought, “Okay, Evelyn, you’ve got nothing but facts to back you up. Go in there with facts not emotions.” I sat down and I immediately broke down. Instead of feeling empowered I felt embarrassed. Hot shame rolled over me and I broke down even more. I had to question myself. Why did this moment of vulnerability cause me to feel embarrassed? Isn’t that what Human Resources is for? 

I realized it was because as a black woman I am EXPECTED to keep it together. I am EXPECTED to show no emotion. I am EXPECTED not to crack. I am EXPECTED to not do what I did which was to be filled with anxiety. I talked to Frat Boy about the situation prior to me going to Human Resources. He gave me some really good advice but he’s always more tough than love. In some cases, it's great because it is what I need to hear but in other cases it's not. Again the realization that as a black woman, I’m not allowed to be soft and show my emotions. Even though my white counterparts are allowed to have the full spectrum of emotions. Where does it end? Why do I have to be a pseudo gang member in every situation? 

The crown sometimes gets heavy. The cape sometimes encumbers my movements. 

I’ve given myself permission to have days where I simply take my crown off and I’m okay with that. A real queen knows her limits and adjusts accordingly. Simply put, I’m tired. That’s it. Plain and simple. I’ve worked and have continued to work on side hustles and upcoming projects. When is it my time to just sit and do something special just for me? In a world of self care, I desire to be luxurious and carefree. 

The crown and cape will be replaced shortly. I just need a break from it all. 

Love, Life, Jesus, 

Evelyn Denise